I once consulted with Korean immigrant parents in the United States.

They had moved to America in the 1970s and built themselves up through a small business. They were now retired and living comfortably, but they had one concern in their hearts: their son’s marriage. And not just any son. He was a fourth-generation only son.

In America, the idea of an “only son” may not carry much weight. But Korean parents feel differently. They wanted to see a daughter-in-law, and they wanted to hold a grandchild as soon as possible.

Their son had been born in the United States. He had graduated from a prestigious university and was working as an analyst at a financial company. According to his parents, there was nothing lacking about him. Yet for several years, even after introductions, there had been no talk of marriage.

His mother was frustrated.

“Representative Lee, our son is a decent young man. Why can’t he get married?”

I understood how she felt. He had never caused his parents any trouble. He studied well, had a good job, and lived properly. But the one thing everyone else seemed to do—marriage—was not happening for him. From the parents’ point of view, it was bound to be frustrating.

After meeting him a few times, I could see the reason. He was unusually quiet on a first meeting. He was not normally like that, they said. He had good relationships at work and had many friends. Once he met someone a few times, his kind and gentle personality began to show.

The problem was the first meeting. He was the kind of man who shined on the second or third encounter. But he could not get past the first. We introduced him to several women in the United States as well. He even met women with outgoing personalities, but the result was the same.

“He seems like a good person, but he is too passive.”

That comment kept coming back.

Eventually, I placed him under special care. I reviewed his profile and the women’s feedback again. I looked carefully at where things were getting blocked. After meeting him a few more times and talking with him, his college years came up. There had been a woman he liked, and he had been deeply hurt by what happened. Since then, whenever he met a woman one-on-one, his confidence would drop.

That was when the answer became clear.

“Ah, this is not a man who needs to be changed.”

I decided to be honest with the female members from the beginning. If I introduced him only as a man with good conditions, the same result would happen again.

“He is sincere and responsible. But he is a little quiet on the first meeting. If you meet him three or four times, you will understand why I am recommending him.”

The response was stronger than expected. Around 70 to 80 women said they wanted to meet him. Among them, we narrowed the pool down to about seven women living in Korea and six women living in the United States. I consulted with each of them again. This time, I looked more at personality than conditions.

In the end, I chose one woman. She was a psychological counselor. She had a personality that made her good at listening to people, and she was also preparing to study in the United States.

This time, I decided to change the way I introduced them. I made a suggestion to her.

“Would you be willing to visit the United States?”

At first, she seemed a little surprised. But after hearing the explanation, she gladly accepted.

The idea was for them to spend about a week together in America. I thought that would be far better than a single arranged meeting.

She flew to the United States. She traveled with him and spent time with his parents. After a few days, the atmosphere changed. It was quite something to see. The young man who had barely spoken began to change day by day. She saw that side of him. His parents were also very happy.

The week passed quickly. After she returned to Korea, the two continued to stay in touch. From that point on, there was not much left for me to do. Not long after, the man came to Korea. He greeted her parents and received their blessing for marriage.

I still think about that couple from time to time. People do not always fail because they are lacking. There are good people who simply cannot show who they really are on a first meeting.

What such a person needs is not advice. It is not a matter of fixing their personality. It is about giving them enough time for their real self to come through.

— Woon Jin Lee

CEO, Couple.net