싸우지 않는 것이 좋은 건 아니다.
남친과 1년째 교제 중인 U씨는 얼마 전 충격을 받은 적이 있다고 합니다. 남친은 평소 차분하고 조용해서 U씨는 “너무 말이 없으니 존재감이 없을 정도다. 감정 표현도 하고, 말도 점 하고 그래라”고 할 정도였습니다.
그런데, 그런 남친이 정말로 격하게 감정을 표현한 것입니다. 얘기 도중에 의견차가 있었는데, U씨가 고집을 좀 피웠더니 남친은 무섭게 화를 내며 들고 있던 커피잔을 던졌다는 거예요. U씨는 미안한 마음도 들었지만, 한편으로는 평소와는 180도 다른 남친의 모습에 걱정도 되었습니다.
자신이 모르는 부분이 또 뭐가 있는 건지, 만일 그 부분이 치명적인 것은 아닌지, 결혼을 생각하는데, 확신이 안선다고 합니다. 그동안 자신을 배려해주고, 기다려주고, 참아주던 남친의 모습이 가식처럼 느껴지기까지 했다는데요.
U씨는 괜히 싸움을 한 것 같다고 했지만, 제 생각에는 오히려 싸움을 함으로써 남친의 또 다른 모습도 알게 되고, 좋은 계기가 된 것 같습니다. 사람이 어떻게 한결같이 착하고 좋을 수만 있겠어요? 화낼 일이 있으면 화내고, 하고 싶은 말 있으면 하는 게 오히려 자연스러운 거죠. 화를 전혀 안내는 사람이 있다면 그거야말로 가식인 거죠.
여러분 생각은 어떤가요?
남성1: 난 결혼 전 반드시 다퉈봐야 한다고 믿는 사람이다. 왜 싸웠느냐를 떠나서 분노를 어떻게 표출하는지 살펴볼 필요가 있다.
여성1: 부부싸움을 할 때 힘의 우세로 여성을 제압하려는 남성들이 많다. 일단 주먹부터 나가고 보는 식이다. 남녀관계에서는 서로 의견의 차이가 있을 때 어떻게 풀어가는지가 중요한 것 같다. 말이 아니라 행동으로 풀려고 하는 사람이라면 지금이라도 헤어져야 한다.
남성2: 이제부터라도 적극적으로 대화를 해야 한다. 아무래도 남성들은 여성들보다 대화하는 스킬이 부족하다 보니 말하다가 딸려서 감정에 휩쓸리는 경우가 있다. 그런 걸 가지고 폭력적이니 이러지 말고, 여성분도 자기 위주로 얘기를 하지 않았는지 생각하는 게 필요하다.
여성2:기본적으로 결혼은 화성인과 금성인의 결합이라는 것을 알아야 한다. 교제할 때야 서로 마음에 들어야 하니까 자신을 숙이지만, 결혼은 안 그렇다. 완전 생얼이 나오는데, 그런 부분을 인정하는 게 중요할 것 같다. 자꾸 옛날과 비교해서 실망만 하면 문제를 풀 수 없다. 세상에 100% 생각이 착착 맞는 커플이 어디 있나. 서로 다른 점도 이해하고, 양보하고, 또 설득도 하면서 관계를 맺어가는 거라고 생각한다.
남성3: 인터넷에서 읽은 유머 한마디. 결혼기념일에 남편이 아내에게 “어디 가고 싶냐?”고 물었다. 아내는 “오랫동안 가보지 못한 곳..”이라고 했다. 그러자 남편은 “부엌에 가보는 게 어때?”라고 했다가 부부싸움이 시작되었다. 남편이 농담으로 했다면 그걸 받아주지 못한 아내 잘못, 남편의 말에 가시가 있다면 그건 남편 잘못. 어느 한쪽이 웃고 넘기면 큰 싸움은 안난다. 부부에게 그건 어려운 일일까?
여성3: 부부싸움은 칼로 물베기라는데, 그건 옛말인 것 같다. 교제할 때는 받아주고, 참아주고 하는데, 부부가 되면 더 자존심을 세운다. 생활하면서 애정은 무뎌지고, 감정은 날카로워진 탓일까?
남녀관계에서는 서로 달라서 싸우는 것이 문제가 아닙니다. 어떻게 화해하고, 더 친밀해지는가가 중요하지요. 싸움을 안하는 커플은 서로의 문제를 외면하고 있는 경향이 있습니다.
차라리 문제가 있을 때는 싸우는 게 낫습니다. 단, 잘 싸워야지요.
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No Fight is No Good
Ms. U has been dating this man for a year. Recently she was shocked at her boyfriend’s sudden and unexpected outbursts, since this guy is usually so calm and quiet that people wouldn’t even notice he is around. And this quiet guy suddenly burst into anger, while they were having a petty argument, and even threw a coffee cup he was drinking from. Ms. U was sorry to make him so mad, and at the same time deeply concerned about his complete about-face.
Ms. U has been dating this man for a year. Recently she was shocked at her boyfriend’s sudden and unexpected outbursts, since this guy is usually so calm and quiet that people wouldn’t even notice he is around. And this quiet guy suddenly burst into anger, while they were having a petty argument, and even threw a coffee cup he was drinking from. Ms. U was sorry to make him so mad, and at the same time deeply concerned about his complete about-face.
She is not sure if she knows about him well enough. What if she doesn’t know something about him that could be fatal? Now she is confused whether it is okay to marry this guy or not. She even feels that all his usual demeanors - i.e. considerate, patient and tolerating manner he usually puts on – could be a mere hypocrisy.
She regrets that they had an argument. Well, I think otherwise. Their moment of argument actually served them right, as she could see his hidden other side. How can a man stay nice all the time? It is only natural that when you get mad, you get mad, when you want to speak out, you speak aloud. If you never get mad, that’s not real. That is pure pretense.
So, what are your thoughts?
Man 1: I believe the couple should have a moment of truth before getting married. It doesn’t matter what issue he is angry with. The thing is ‘HOW’ he expresses his anger.
Woman 1: Some men try to dominate women with their physical supremacy. Fists come first! Men and women are to have differences in views. What is important is the way they solve the differences between them. If your boyfriend tries to take care of the differences with physical forces rather than through dialogue, you’d better leave him right now.
Man 2: They should start real talk even now. Men usually are inferior in talking skill, so they sometimes turn to emotional outburst. We should not take this as violent propensity or something. The woman should also check upon herself whether she was rather self-centered in the argument with her boyfriend.
Woman 2: Everybody should know that marriage between man and woman is basically a ‘union between a person from Mars, and another from Venus. While they date before getting married they tend to behave to win the other’s heart. However, once married, they don’t have to pretend to be a better person than they actually are. So, you have to acknowledge that your man (or woman) IS different than you. You can’t keep making comparison between before and after, and deplore over it forever. No couple in the world is 100% perfect for each other. You have to understand and accept differences, and sometimes make compromises and sometimes convince, etc., to carry on your relationship.
Man 3: I picked up this humor story from internet: Today was their anniversary. The husband asked the wife, “where would you want to go? The wife said, “the place I haven’t been for a long while…” And the husband talked back, “you mean ‘the kitchen’?” And this was the start of another fight between them… If the husband just wanted to be funny, it is the wife’s fault to pick up a fight over it. If the husband tried to attack his wife with this funny-sounding comment, he should be ashamed of himself. If either one of them just lets it pass, there won’t be any fight. I wonder if this is a real hard thing to do.
Woman 3: There is a saying that husband-wife fight is like cutting off water with a knife. I guess it isn’t the case anymore these days. While you are still dating, you are tolerant to each other. Once getting married, you never compromise your self-pride with each other. The longer you live together, the more irritable and less loving you become toward each other.
Men and women sometimes fight with each other over their differences. But the thing is NOT to fight, BUT to reconcile after the fight and make the relationship more solid. Couples who don’t fight at all tend to turn a blind eye to the problem in denial, and that IS a REAL problem. When there is a problem, you’d better fight over it, but you’d better have a GOOD fight.
